Diablo II fun stuff
by Lord de Seis
Summary: The adventurers travel across Sanctuary while funny things happen. Just read it. Please. Chapter 3 is up
1. The Western Kingdoms

Diablo II: Fun Stuff  
  
In the western kingdoms  
  
Rogue Encampment Disclaimer: Iown none of this.  
  
The seven heroes and heroines are standing around the fire. Suddenly the Necromancer releases a poison nova and kills Gheed.  
  
Necromancer: 'scuse me. Gheed turns green and falls over. Gheed: You've killed me! What did I ever do to you? Necromancer: You lost us 500,000 gold because of your damned gambling option. Gheed:....... Amazon: Loot his corpse! The heroes all run over to Gheed's body and start stealing rare items, unique items and set items. Paladin: I refuse to steal from the dead. Barbarian: Square.  
  
Den of Evil  
  
Paladin: So was anyone actually listening to Akara? Everyone: Nope. Suddenly a Fallen jumps out from behind a rock Fallen: Blaaaaa! Paladin: Eat that, unholy thing.(Pokes Fallen with his sword) Fallen: Waaaaah! Druid: That wasn't so hard. Necromancer: Think again. They all look the other way and see an army of Fallen, fifty strong. Fallen Army: BLAAAAAA! Heroes were slain by Fallen.  
  
In the Cold Plains  
  
Bishibosh: Bish- I- Bosh! Assassin: Look over there It's Wishywash! Bishibosh: You have insulted me! Fly, my pretties, fly! Some fallen with crappy plastic wings jump off rocks and try to fly. They all fall to their deaths, Barbarian: BRAAAH!!! Bishibosh: eep. Barbarian swings his axe and Bishibosh goes pop. Sorceress: Ewwww.  
  
In the Burial Grounds  
  
Blood Raven: Join my army of the dead! Necromancer: Absolutely no freakin' way! Blood Raven: Whuh? Amazon shoots a few fire arrows and kills blood raven Druid( up a tree) Help me! Assassin: You shouldn't have invested in that WereKitten skill.  
  
In the Underground Passage  
  
The heroes are fighting their way through the passage when the Paladin is poisoned. Paladin: I can see a light at the end of the tunnel! Am I dead? Barbarian: Nah, that's just the dark wood.  
  
In the Dark Wood  
  
Skeleton archers: Ready...Aim.....FIRE! Sorceress was slain by Skeleton Archer Druid: DIE! He uses a fissure and the skeletons turn into a heap of bones. Inifuss Tree: Come to me. Paladin: That tree is the work of Satan! DIE! The Paladin runs over and hacks the Inifuss tree to pieces until a scroll pops out and hits him in the eye. Paladin: This is an act of the devil! Treehead Woodfist: I'm not a treehead or a woodfist. I'm a real boy! Necromancer: Oh shut up. Barbarian: BOO! Treehead Woodfist has a heart attack and dies. Amazon: That's a mighty loud voice you got there. Barbarian: THANK YOU. Everyone clutches their chest and falls over. Barbarian: OOPS.  
  
In the stony field  
  
Rakanishu:Rakanishu! Necromancer summons a Clay Golem but the golem crumbles after a few hits. Necromancer: Damn, I should have used more water! Druid: Let me at him! Fzzat! Druid: Why didn't anyone tell me he had a car battery?! Assassin uses fire blast and kills him. Sorceress:(Rubbing Cairn stone) Hey these are smoothe. Everyone else does the same Paladin: This lightning is an evil force!Die!(Swings sword at lightning bolt) Barbarian:This must be the Portal to Tristram. Everyone steps through  
  
Finally we're in Tristram!  
  
Griswold: I'm getting too old for this. Oh, my lumbago! (Falls over) Barbarian howls Goatmen: Mehhhh! Paladin: Conversion! Suddenly the Goatmen go off and drink from a river or graze happily. Assassin:(Shouting at Cain) How's old man? Cain: Quiet, young whippersnapper! Necromancer: Through Cain's portal! Portal closes Amazon: To the Stony Field! Portal closes Druid: To the river! Werefish! Druid turns into a fish and swims happily downstream. Barbarian: Well, I never!  
  
The Forgotten Tower  
  
Countess: Your blood will boil. Assassin: No it won't. Yours will. Wake of fire! Countess:Oh no, back to the blazing hells again. Necromancer: Treasure! Barbarian: It's mine! All mine! Amazon: Nuh uh! Barbarian: Yuh huh! Amazon: Nuh uh! And so forth  
  
The Monastery  
  
Paladin: Ha ha! With the Horadric Malus I shall smite the unholy! Until we get to the Rogue Encampment and I give it to Charsi. For I am a holy man! (Goes into a deep state of prayer) The Smith: Your soul shall... Oh forget it I resign. This job involves too much death! Barbarian: Sign here. Smith: What? Barbarian: Real Estate job.  
  
The jail  
  
Necromancer: So many corpses, so little time! Sorceress: This place gives me the heebie-jeebies. Barbarian:(Creeping up behind Sorceress) Boo! Sorceress: Aaaah! Ghosts:(This is what I think they sound like) NYEER! Paladin: I must smite the unholy! DIE! Zombies approach Amazon: Die you chalk faced goons! (Whacks zombies)  
  
The Cathedral  
  
Dark Shaman:(At altar) And brothas, this is a-why we must-a praise the lord- uh! Now let us say the Lord's Prayer! Paladin:(Kneeling) Praise Zakarum! Necromancer: Freak. Paladin: Mr Skellington here calling me a freak! Necromancer: That's it, you're going down! TEETH! Paladin: Thorns! All the Dark Ones suddenly die Amazon: Well waddaya know.  
  
Catacombs Sorceress:Eek! A spider! Amazon: Wimp.(Steps on spider) Suddenly an army of Arachs appears Barbarian: EEEEEEEEEEEEK! Druid: You know, my mother had a saying for times like this. It goes a little something like this. We are all gonna die. Necromancer:(to Paladin) Well, natural party leader, what's the plan? Paladin:Follow the Paladin shaped blur! Arachs turn out to be tiny spiders Arachs: squeak Barbarian: Well. Umm. Uhh. Amazon coughs loudly and it sounds a little like "Loser" Barbarian: Hey!  
  
THE CATACOMBS level 4  
  
Andariel: Die, maggot! Assassin: No way! And you take that maggot thing back! Barbarian: Hey, she's hot! (Tries to leap at her but accidentally uses leap attack) Awww, crap! Necromancer: Treasure! I call the gems! Paladin: I call nothing! I refuse to steal from the dead! Sorceress:I call uniques! Druid: I call sets! Barbarian: I call gold! Assassin&Amazon: We call .......Awww crap.  
  
(An:) There! Act I finished! Review! Review! Review or the Dark Lord de Seis will rip out your heart and feed it to his pet fish! Mwuhahahahaha! Ahem. Sorry about that. 


	2. The deserts of Khanduras

D2 fun stuff part 2  
  
The deserts of Khanduras Disclaimer: I own none of this Lut Gholein  
  
Jerhyn: I am Jerhyn, Lord of Lut Gohlein. Necromancer: Where are the brothels? Warriv: That way.(Points to the "shady" part of town.) Necromancer: Yes! I have not gotten a piece of ass in fifty years!(Runs off) Barbarian: Maniac. A bar! Yes! In the western kingdoms you couldn't get a decent beer for love nor money! Barbarian runs to Atma's tavern. Assassin: Weirdo. The Barbarian is heard yelling Barbarian: I am not going to kill some ancient mummy just so I can drink here! I'm going to that inn! Barbarian goes to the desert rain and is heard yelling again Barbarian: WHAT DO YOU MEAN, NO GUINNESS?  
  
Sewers  
  
Radament: WE...LIVE...AGAIN. Necroskeletons: So do we! Radament: Cool! We should start a club for people who were raised from the dead by skinny jerks with stupid clothes! Necroskeletons: Yeah! With passwords and codenames and special hats! They leave and all the undead die. Sorceress: If Atma asks we killed him, right? Right? Necromancer: Hey a skill book!(Goes over and reads it but then the Paladin takes it)Hey! Paladin: If the plant ye wish to flee, go to sector seven B. Barbarian: Whah?  
  
Halls of the dead  
  
That unique thingy, you know, the one who curses you, is teaching all her "friends" maths. Oh yeah, it's Bloodwitch the Wild  
  
BTW: And who can tell me the volume of this Horadric Cube? Barbarian: I can! BTW:All right dear, go ahead. Barbarian: It's 4 by 12 miss. And now I'm going to kill you miss! BTW: (Suddenly angry) Well, we'll see about that! Attack them my pretties! Paladin: Get the cube and run! Necromancer: Thank you! Guyver:(You know, from that film) Run, adventurers! I'll take care of these guys! Everyone: AAAARGH! Amazon: We'll be leaving now. (Sidesteps toward TP.)  
  
The Maggot Lair  
  
Coldworm the Burrower(Burrows deep underground and can't get up on account of it's fatness) Assassin: Well, that is the most sorry excuse for a set unique I've ever seen. Lord de Seis: My thoughts exactly. Amazon: What are you doing here? Barbarian: If you're in here then who's typing? Everyone slowly turns their heads in the direction of the screen. Everyone: AAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Lord de Seis: Um. Uh. Well. CHAOS CONTROL!  
  
The Claw Viper Temple  
  
Fangskin: I am the fangskin! I will tear you apart! Barbarian:DIE! Druid charges at Fangskin only to come back again Druid:(Looking frazzled) I can't believe I fell for the car battery trick again! They smash the altar and the ray of light comes. Necromancer:Aaaaargh! The light! It burns!  
  
The Palace Cellar  
  
Druid: Hmmm, there sure are a lot of beds here.(winks at assassin) Assassin blushes and laughs. Dune Beast: ROAR! Necromancer: I think you need a breathmint or something, cause your breath STINKS! Dune Beast: WHUH? Paladin: I shall smite you in the name of Zakarum! Necromancer: HA! Paladin: Whaddaya mean, HA! Necromancer: I meant just what I said. HA! Sorceress: Alright you two break it up! Paladin:(Turning around and sulking) He started it. Necromancer: Did not! Paladin: Did too! Necromancer: Did not! Paladin: Did too! And so forth  
  
The Arcane Sanctuary  
  
The gang are going through the portallish path. Suddenly the Barbarian falls off. Barbarian: AAAARGH!(disappears deep into space only to reappear at the top and fall down again Barbarian: AAARGH! Amazon: I say we leave him there.(they walk on) Spectres: NYEER! Paladin: SHUT UP! Spectres: NYEER? Necromancer: I'll translate. What? Spectres: NYEER? Necromancer: Yes, we also hate the Prime Evils. Will you help us kill them? Spectres: NYEER! The Spectres follow the adventurers. Summoner: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Quest log pops up Druid: You heard the log. Summoner: Oh crap.  
  
Tal Rasha's Chamber The heroes enter to find Duriel sitting in a leather armchair reading a book called The Life of Rocks Duriel: Looking for Baal? Paladin: Yes, as a matter of fact we are. Can you help us? Duriel: (Waves one scythe, I mean hand, in the direction of the big rock.) The heroes go through. Tyrael: I'm sorry, but you are too late. Now I'm off to bed. Night night. The heroes go through the TP only to join the Barbarian in the Arcane Sanctuary Everyone: AAARGH! Tyrael: (From heaven)Suckers.  
  
An: Well, that's the second part. Tune in next time on Dragonba...I mean Diablo 2 Fun stuff. 


	3. The Forests of Kurast

Diablo 2 comedy stuff  
  
Chapter III: The Forests of Kurast  
  
Kurast Docks  
  
Barbarian:(Green faced) Urgh.(Runs over to river and puts head over the side of a rail) Necromancer: Hey, the Barbarian got seasick! He's just as weak as the rest of us! Hratli: Welcome. Druid: Hey, has anyone told you that you sound a lot like Uncle from Jackie Chan Adventures? HratlI: Nooooo........ Druid gets funny looks from fellow party members. Druid: It's on TV every day on Fox Kids! Sorceress: TV? Druid: An electronic box that makes light and sound! Assassin: Fox Kids? Druid: A channel on TV! Amazon: Come on, it's time for your medication. (Drags Druid back to boat) Druid: It exists I tell you, IT EXISTS!  
  
Spider forest  
  
Dark Wanderer: Oh, the pain, the pain of it all. Diablo: Quiet you! Dark Wanderer: I feel so used! Barbarian: There there. Dark Wanderer: Ha ha ! You fell right into my trap! (Pulls out very large knife) Barbarian: No, you fell into my trap! (Pulls out even bigger knife) Dark Wanderer: Wrong! ( Pulls out very, very large knife and falls into the river) Okay, you win. Barbarian: Works every time.  
  
That place with the false gidbinn  
  
Fetishes: hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Paladin: What in holy hell is going on here? (Clamps hand to mouth) Oh no! Forgive me Zakarum! (Starts whipping himself, just like the flagellants*) Necromancer walks over and kicks him in the head Necromancer: Dumbass. Red Forman**: Hey, you dumbass, that's my word! Necromancer walks over and kicks him in the. painful areas. Necromancer: Dumbass. Barbarian walks over and takes the false gidbinn, which goes on fire Barbarian: MUMMY! ( Runs away) Necromancer: Dumbass. Druid: Stop saying that! It's from a tv show as well! Guyver: Yeah! Everyone: AAAARGH!(They all run into the cave with the real Gidbinn)  
  
Cave with Gidbinn  
  
They walk in and find that unique shaman. The assassin walks over and takes the gidbinn from the shaman, who is deep in conversation. Assassin: Yoink! Shaman: Well, as I was saying The Life of Rocks is clearly overrated. Duriel told me it was the best book he had ever read but I disagree. Amazon: Come on! Sorceress: No, I want to see how this turns out! Shaman: Oh, hell it's you again! (Drinks a can of gasoline and throws a match down his throat) BUUUUURRRRRPP! Sorceress: Aieee! Amazon Aieee? Sorceress: Umm. uhh.well. Lord de Seis: Let me get that for you. CHAOS CONTROL!  
  
Can someone please tell me how to get the Lam Esen's Tomb quest? I've done everything in act three except for that one quest. I don't know how to get it.  
  
Travincal  
  
Zakarumite type things: Will you join our religion. It's brilliant! Necromancer: The hell I will! Zakarumite: Then fu** off you mutha ****** son of a b****! Necromancer: Kiss my @$$ Zakarumite: That's it! Necromancer: Yo momma so fat, last time she jumped in the air, she got stuck! Zakarumite: Well, yo momma so old, she older than you! Necromancer: You take that back! Paladin: What are you getting so offended about? She is! Necromancer: Oh, so you're against me now too! Lister The Tormentor: Are you going to fight us or should we go home? Urgh.(Gets stabbed in the back along with fellow council members) Assassin is standing behind them with two bloody katars Assassin: Works every time. Necromancer: Now for the Compelling Orb! Smash Paladin: Praise Zakarum! They enter the durance of hate Later that night Diablo and Mephisto came out Mephisto: Dude! where's my compelling orb? Diablo: Where's your compelling orb dude? Mephisto: Dude! Where's my compelling orb? Diablo: Where's your compelling orb dude? Mephisto: Dude! Where's my compelling orb? Diablo: Where's your compelling orb dude? Lord de Seis: To find out, read Dude! Where's my compelling Orb? Parts 1&2!  
  
Durance of Hate  
  
Necromancer: (With dictionary) Durance. Durance ah, here it is. A Durance. Forced imprisonment. Interesting. The forced imprisonment of hate. Well done Blizzard. Paladin: What the hell? ( Clamps hand to his mouth and starts whipping himself) Mephisto appears Mephisto: Have you guys seen my compelling orb. Oh god it's you again. The paladin is holding Khalim's Will and a fragment of the compelling orb Paladin: Umm. Uhh. Well. Hey, look a distraction! Mephisto: Nice try, de Seis. Lord de Seis: What? It worked once! Necromancer: Your shoe is untied. Mephisto: What are you talking about? I don't have any legs! Lord de Seis: Right, that's enough. Come on, get through that portal. Into the next chapter. Come on. Hurry up now. They all go through the portal Lord de Seis: Not you, Mephisto. Mephisto: Sorry. Lord de Seis: Don't forget this. (Throws Mephisto's soulstone at Paladin) Mephisto: Hey that's mine! Oh well back to non-existence for me. (Disappears)  
  
An: That's it for act III. Sorry about the content (Or lack of it) Oh, Redlady, I don't get weirded out by long reviews. I'm just happy some people are reading my fics. I registered last year and I've only just started writing seriously. If you like the way none of this makes sense then read my anime and game and author big brother fic. I'm not sure what category it's in.  
  
*Flagellants were people who believed they would be cured of the black death if they walked around the countryside whipping themselves. ** From that 70's show. 


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